Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

In Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, therapist Mira Kirshenbaum addresses the agonizing ambivalence of whether to remain in or end a long-term relationship. Published in 1996, the book is built around a structured diagnostic process rather than open-ended advice, drawing on Kirshenbaum's clinical experience with hundreds of couples and the responses of readers who tested her methods. Her central framework is a series of roughly three dozen diagnostic questions, each designed to cut through the confusion that keeps people stuck. For every question, she defines a clear "green light" and "red light" answer. A green light—such as still enjoying your partner's company or feeling that problems are genuinely resolvable—points toward staying. A red light, like feeling relief when your partner is away or having already mentally left the relationship, points toward leaving. The book's provocative premise is that once you answer honestly, most people discover their decision has already been made; the real obstacle is not lack of information but fear of acting on it. Kirshenbaum also explores why ambivalence itself is corrosive, arguing that chronic indecision drains energy and prevents either genuine repair or a clean break. She addresses special situations, including affairs, abuse, and relationships that are merely "good enough," and distinguishes between solvable problems and deal-breakers that no amount of effort will fix. Rather than promising that every relationship can be saved, the book treats the decision itself as the goal, offering readers a concrete, question-driven method for reaching a conclusion they can trust and act upon.